I Don't Know How Not to Ask
by eloquentgraffitti
Summary: Jackson asks April if she's okay...


**So this came to me in a hurry and I posted in a hurry so please ignore all mistakes, grammatical or otherwise. I'm going to edit minor errors after I have a chance to look at it again, but just wanted to publish this before I stepped out. Happy Halloween and Happy Grey's day everybody!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters.**

"You okay?" said a painfully familiar voice, which had the softened tone to it that it always did when he was asking her that question.

She closed her eyes, taking a minute to take it in, then turned to look at him, her heart jolting in her chest at the first sight of those cat like eyes.

"It's okay, you know." She said quietly, her eyes downcast, going back to staring at the iPad in her hand.

"What's okay?" He asked, a small wrinkle appearing in between his eyebrows.

She took a deep breath.

"You don't have to feel obligated to ask me that. I – I know that we haven't been talking much, and I know that we're not friends like we used to be, and you don't have to feel guilty about that. It's okay. I get it. Things are different, and I get it. So you can stop asking me if I'm okay all the time. I'm okay, Jackson."

She looked up at him again as she tried to swallow the feeling of bittersweet sadness, and gave him a small reassuring smile, hoping upon hope that he'll buy her act.

"So it's okay if you stopped asking."

* * *

She plunked herself down on a bar stool and looked at Joe expectantly, her eyebrows raised. The man in question raised his own eyebrows and poured her a drink, knowing what her usual request was.

"Hey."

April closed her eyes, slightly annoyed. No, one encounter a day with him was enough. She wasn't about to handle two. For a man who had once told her that "it has nothing to do" with him, he sure seemed to be asking a lot of questions.

"Jackson, I told you-"

"Look, I'm not asking you out of a sense of obligation, I'm-"

"You have to stop, okay? Because it's hard for me to-"

April took in a breath, mind running a mile a minute on how exactly to word this.

"You told me that it had nothing to do with you. So I'm trying to _make it_ not have anything to do with you. But when you keep asking me if I'm okay, it just…"

She trailed off, blinking rapidly, staring down at the drink Joe had handed her a few moments ago.

"When we were friends, you'd do it all the time, you'd ask me, and I'd feel happy, because somebody cared, cared enough to ask. And I'd tell you everything, and even now, it just feels so easy, so easy to slip back into it, but we can't. We can't because _it's supposed to not have anything to do with you. _And I'm trying. I'm trying Jackson. I'm trying to make it not have anything to do with you, but it's not as easy for me as it's obviously been for you…so…"

"April-"

"Maybe this is what you wanted, maybe you wanted it to be harder for me than it was for you. Maybe that's satisfying for you, since I hurt you so much. Or maybe it's like a habit for you, to ask if I'm okay, because we did it without thinking for so long, or maybe you really do want to know, I don't know. But my point is, _don't ask."_

She emphasized the last two words very carefully, looking him straight in the eye, letting him know she was serious. And she was. If he wanted so badly to have nothing to do with her, then _have nothing to do with her, _and walk away. At this stage, it was beginning to stress her out. She couldn't afford to keep pining after him. She was getting better at learning to move on, and she wasn't about to let him hold her back.

Jackson sighed.

"Look, I just wanted to know-"

April interrupted before he could get any more words out, deciding to drive the knife in a little deeper.

"_Why_ do you want to know? You're just a guy I banged in a men's bathroom, remember? So why do you want to know?"

And with that she finished up the last of her drink, threw a couple bills on the counter, and walked off, feeling her conscience burning a hole in the pit of her soul. But she couldn't help it. She couldn't help taking that one last shot at him because when he had said it to her, it had hurt so bad. So unbelievably bad, she'd wanted to clutch her stomach and break down and cry. Because that wasn't what he had been to her, ever. He had _never_ been just a guy to her. He had always been her friend, the one person she trusted, the only one she let herself be vulnerable with, and he knew it. He knew it and yet, he still had to hurt her that way.

And she got it. She had hurt him too, so now he was lashing back, but it didn't mean it hurt less.

She heard footsteps behind her as she walked to her car, and quickened her pace, knowing who might have followed her.

"April!"

"Just don't Jackson. Don't ask…."

There was a pause during which she only heard the sound of traffic passing by, their own footsteps on the gravel, and the thud of her beating heart.

"I don't know how to. Not ask…."

Came the quiet reply.

She spun around then, red-gold hair flying wildly in the wind, hands scrambling to shove the unruly strands back behind her ears, seeing him standing there, his hands in his jacket pockets, his head cocked to the side.

"I can tell you..." she said, trying her best to look as if she was calm and collected. "Every time you see me and think, "I'm going to ask her how she is", just stop. Don't ask. Turn around and walk away." She said simply.

Jackson gave a half-smile, walking up to her and letting his gaze search her face.

"I wish it were that easy…" his voice was barely audible, his lips hardly moving, and she watched, mesmerized, as he blinked, once, twice.

"Hey April?"

"Yeah?" She said automatically.

"Are you okay?"

April blinked herself out her reverie, giving a huff of amusement. Unbelievable. The man was unbelievable.

She took a step closer to him, deciding to beat him at his own game.

"I wish it were that easy not to tell you. It's not. It's not easy. But I won't. I won't tell you."

She took a step backwards to walk away.

"And that's how you do it. That's how you don't ask. And that's how I don't tell."

And with that, she hurried off, not wanting him to catch up with her, because all she wanted was to tell him was that she wasn't. She wasn't okay.

* * *

Jackson walked into the elevator and pushed the button for it to stop, startling April, who was standing there, a bewildered look on her face.

"What…?"

"Let's talk." Came the abrupt reply.

"Jackson-"

"So what went wrong?"

April shook herself.

"What?"

"With us, what went wrong? Let's go back to the very first time, shall we? We had sex, I took your virginity, you gave it to me…"

He was slowly cornering her, one hand on the door of the elevator, pinning her back, and she was helpless to stop. She didn't think she wanted it, whatever it is, to stop...

"Yes…" She whispered.

"And then you…" Jackson prompted, his eyes boring into hers, not letting her avoid his gaze.

April wet her lips, trying to think.

"I- I felt…I didn't know how to feel, it just hit me then what I, what _we_, had done, and I needed to clear my head, and we had boards the next morning…"

"So you asked me to leave…"

"Yes…"

"And then you told me…"

"That I was saving myself…" she completed his sentence.

"That you were saving yourself." He repeated slowly, then took a deep breath.

"April, you have any idea...you've never told me…"

April closed her eyes, unable to maintain eye contact with him anymore.

"I know, and I'm sorry..."

There was a beat, during which April didn't open her eyes, during which Jackson's gaze wandered down to her lips then back again to admire those long eyelashes looking dark against her pale skin.

"It's okay…" He said softly, and she opened her eyes, swallowing thickly.

"And then…we had sex again…" He was leaning in so close now; his lips were just inches away from hers.

"Yes…" she whispered.

"In a men's bathroom…"

She couldn't do anything but nod this time.

"And I was never just a guy…"

"No." She found her voice, although it broke. "You weren't."

"I know." One of his hands came to push back a tendril of hair away from her face.

"I'm sorry I said what I said, April, it was low of me…"

"It's okay." She interrupted. She got it. She knew where he'd been coming from.

"Okay." He said, his eyes intense.

"And then..." His eyes got darker as they both remembered how they hurriedly put their clothes back on, him kissing her passionately one more time against the bathroom stall, his hands on her cheeks, before they both exchanged good lucks and went their separate ways…

April didn't know what happened next, maybe her elbow managed to push a button on the elevator to get them moving again, but the doors were opening suddenly and Jackson was holding her against his chest to prevent her from falling backwards.

They stood like that for a few seconds, her head against his neck and his cheek against her hair, letting other people step into the elevator till they both came to their senses and she pushed him away for fear of getting caught in compromising positions.

"I'm gonna keep asking you know."

Jackson said breathlessly, catching up with her as she almost ran to the entrance of the hospital.

She stayed silent, not trusting herself to speak, but he kept talking, undaunted by her lack of reply.

"Asking if you're okay, I mean. Because until _that_ conversation is over…"

He paused for effect.

And she knew exactly which conversation it was…

"I can't stop asking."

**_Should I continue? :-) Review and lemme know?_**


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